The Silence of the Lam

INT. ASYLUM CORRIDOR – LOWER FLOOR – DAY

MOVING SHOT – Agent Starling (Jodie Foster) continues her careful descent into Lecter's corridor, footsteps ECHOING. On either side of her, padded cells with observation slits, populated by sinister shadows, pacing or muttering quietly to themselves.

DR. LECTER'S CELL

It slowly comes into view. Sparse, bolted down furniture.

Mannibal Lecter (Man Lam). He's standing, expectant. SHAVED HEAD, eerie rictus grin, bushy eyebrows and stout frame. He waves over-enthusiastically.

Clarice stops at a distance and clears her throat.

CLARICE

Dr. Lecter...my name is Clarice Starling, may I talk with you?

MANNIBAL

I'm here, I'm naked; let's do it.

The answer startles her. She measures a little closer, letting her guard down a little.

CLARICE

Um...Doctor, we have a hard problem in psychological profiling. I want to ask for your help with a questionnaire.

MANNIBAL

(gleeful) How can I put dis to you? I've got a hard problem downstairs and I want you to profile my balls.

CLARICE

What? Doctor Lecter, please. We really need your expertise with this. Your credentials--

MANNIBAL

(serious) Look at my face. I don't give a fuck. Buy me a large breakfast and I might fink about it.

CLARICE

Buy you breakfast?

MANNIBAL

A large breakfast, with everyfing, and two beers.

CLARICE
You're in no position to negotiate, Doctor. Stop wasting my time.

MANNIBAL

(faux-sad) Why you says I waste of time? I'm hurt. I'm just asking for a breakfast. Don't ask, don't get. Didn't mean to annoy you. Do you really fink I waste your time?

CLARICE

(sighs) Look, it's just I'm here to do a job, and they say you're the best one qualified to give me the answers I need. Will you help?

MANNIBAL
You're the best one quollila, quolia... blublublublublu let me start over. You're the best one. Quali-fied. To get me a free large fry-up please. With beers.

CLARICE:
Okay Doctor, we'll play it your way. I'll see what I can do about your demands. The breakfast, that is.

MANNIBAL
Hell fucking yes! Free food! Fuck yeah, motherfucker. I scored free food. You know I can get away wiv anyfing.

CLARICE
(looks around cell)
Um, well clearly not anything. I don't get it Doctor, why the adamant demand for food, anyway?

MANNIBAL
How can I put dis to you? I always try it, see if I can get away wiv it! Don't ask, don't get. You see?

CLARICE
This meeting is definitely not going as I expected. Did I get the right cell? You are Doctor Lecter, right?

MANNIBAL
I am, sexy.

CLARICE

…?

MANNIBAL
You want profile my balls?  

CLARICE

NO! What the fuck is up with you? Is this actually how you talk to women?

MANNIBAL

Sometimes I ask, den I get into trouble. Sometimes lots of trouble. But its okay. Occashun, I mean occashuna blublublublu let me start over. Blublublublu. Occasionally there's someone who doesn't understand that it's my way! But eventually they learn that it's just me. Don't ask, don't get. It's easy!

CLARICE

Listen, Dr. Lecter. I know for a fact you're an educated man.
You have a PHD, your qualifications are astonishing. So why the act? Is this part of your supposed genius? To...to pretend to be a sex-crazed simpleton in order to manipulate your victims? Because I'm a trained agent, that's not going to work with me. I know what you're doing, so drop the charade and let's talk.

MANNIBAL

It's okay sexy, you just don't understand my way. But you will. And then it'll be Man Love every day. You see. And then one day I'll have you bent over the desk come on yeah! (gyrates) Just like that.

CLARICE

This is impossible. You're a crazy little bastard. Why the fuck did they send me down here?

MANNIBAL
A census taker once tried inform me. I spitroas' his dick action and then made a spicy homemade curry.

Clarice looks dumbfounded. Mannibal does his tongue action at her. She looks terrified.

MANNIBAL

I help wiv da case but where's my love?

CLARICE:

A-are you actually going to help me? Because in order for that to happen I need you to drop the act, and the stupid sex jokes and just talk normally. Please, Doctor.

MANNIBAL
I will sort you out, no worries. But you owe me big.

CLARICE

(sighs) And what do I owe you? Aside from the breakfast?

MANNIBAL

Dis. (makes money sign between fingertips) Or dis. (enthusiastically mimes blowjob)

CLARICE:

That's it, I've seen enough, I've heard enough. I'm out of here. You're insane, Doctor Lecter. It doesn't surprise me you're in here.

MANNIBAL

(pensive) Agent Staraling?

CLARICE.

(gritted teeth) WHAT.

MANNIBAL

Do you wantchu go to Geneva with me?

CLARICE

Geneva? First of all, no. You're an insane criminal and you're not going anywhere. And second of all, what's in Geneva?

MANNIBAL

Car show. Want to come? We can have road trip, see many cars and sexy ladies. Let's do it. You don't have to come, but I ask you just in case you want to come. Think about it. Get back to me, sexy.

CLARICE

I don't think this will be happening.

MANNIBAL

Ok. Think about it, get back to me. You don't have to come if you don't want, but I ask and maybe you decide to come.

CLARICE

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I won't be coming.

MANNIBAL

Why not?

CLARICE

Well, I've really got to crack this Buffalo Bill case, work's been crazy and to be honest money is kind of tight. I don't see myself really taking a holiday this year, but we'll see. I'm hoping a promotion will come up in the future and then providing I'm not up to my eyeballs in rent and debt, then maybe I can get some leave. Wait, what am I saying?

MANNIBAL

Ok. You don't have to come. Let me know.

CLARICE
Ok.

MANNIBAL

If you can't, then it's okay, but I ask. Don't ask, don't get. Think about it. We'll see some cars. Hell fucking yes.

CLARICE
Ok.

MANNIBAL

Ok.

(pause)

CLARICE

Right! I...guess I'll be off then. It was...it was interesting, um...meeting you, Doctor.

MANNIBAL

Let me know about Geneva and I book hotel.

CLARICE

Uh...okay. I'm going, going to head off then.

MANNIBAL

Can I have sum love before you go?

CLARICE

No, I—I don't think so.

MANNIBAL
Ok den.

CLARICE
Bye then.

MANNIBAL

Byesexy.

CLARICE
Christ.

She takes all her paperwork on the case and walks briskly away.

MANNIBAL

(shouts after her) If you're definitely in for Geneva, call me and I book hotel!
(to self)
She's fucking in.

END OF SCENE

Early transcript for Man Lam Tonight!

This blog entry won't make any sense to anyone who hasn't worked with me. Everybody else, you're golden.

Copy 1 (of 1)

no60000003283820

Submitted for agent's approval, commercial draft for hot new talk show; Awaiting notice before forwarding to major cable networks. Tape included with unfinished effects, music.

Date of submission: 01. 08. 11

MAN LAM TONIGHT! Early draft.

Crane shot of the streets of LA at night, then of Hollywood boulevard as cars slide along the neon soaked roads.

DEEP MALE VO:  Are you ready....for the hottest new talk show in Hollywood?

Theme tune plays, something upbeat and jazzy, not yet composed. A film strip of footage from the show snakes across the screen from right to left, each cell showing clips of guests and classic Man Lam moments. Key parts are from episode E410 where Man Lam is standing on his chair thrusting at Dame Judi Dench, and another from E403 where he's doing his tongue action at the camera.

TITLECARD: MAN LAM TONIGHT!

DEEP MALE VO (affectionate):  Meet Man Lam! He'll say anything...

CLIP: MAN LAM walks from from backstage out into the studio to an applauding, whistling audience. He has a suit and a wide grin on his face. He holds his hands up to greet his audience.

MAN LAM: I'm here! I'm naked! Let's do it.

DEEP MALE VO:  ...To anyone!

CLIP: Man Lam is talking to Eva Mendes.

MAN LAM (gleeful): How can I put dis to you? I want my face in your sweet vagina hole action.

EVA: ….I...um....I don't...

MAN LAM (stoic): Look at my face. I'm seriouses.

CLIP: Man Lam is talking to Boy George.

MAN LAM: I can help you get to number one inda charts.

BOY GEORGE: You can?  I would love that, Man.  What do you want in return?

MAN LAM: (knowing smile) ...You know.

(edit) Man Lam then grinds up and down in front of Boy George as the audience roars.

Montage of Man Lam forcefully hugging various guests. He's seen humping Obama's leg briefly.

OBAMA:  Heh heh, I'm gettin' some Man love.

CLIP: Chris Rock on the Man Lam show.

CHRIS: Motherfucker, you a sensation, you taking the nation by storm, makin' people laugh and making millions...but you setting the Chinese people back four hundred fucking years! (laughter) International relations are gon' break down BECAUSE of you...

MAN LAM: Look at me. I don't give a fuck. I just want your mouth on my balls action.

CLIP: Man Lam is interviewing Letoya Jackson and Michael Jackson's kids. It seems to be going well.

MAN LAM: Before I was talk show host I had job where I was well known for my Michael Jackson impression. Do you wantchu seeit?

LETOYA: Um, okay! Why not, Man Lam?

(edit) Man Lam is grabbing his groin and thrusting as his guests look on, horrified and the audience gasps.

MAN LAM: FUCK YEAH HEE HEE SHAMONN MUTHAFUCKAAA!

DEEP MALE VO:  He's outrageous! Don't miss Man Lam Tonight, Friday at 9pm only on [insert syndicated TV station here].

END TRANSCRIPT